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2017 already has me on the verge of suicide [26 Feb 2017|01:37pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

This is my first post, I have a lot to get off my chest and just want to be able to vent to people who may care. I just wanna say there may be a trigger warning later on in reference suicide and self harm, mild swearing, as well as pet death. I just wanted to say that first in case anyone does not like to see that.

In January 2017 I had been living with my pregnant sister and her boyfriend. There was an unfortunate turn of events that left us homeless. Mine and my sister's paycheck would be just enough to get by living in a hotel. Her boyfriend, who we will call dumbass, didn't have a job because he dreams of being a boxer. Even when he has a pregnant girlfriend and twin daughters on the way. On January 8th my sister went into labor early at only 18 weeks along with twins. We were forced to go an hour away to a hospital that specializes in premature babies. (And boy do I have stuff to say about this, but that's for another post) Long story short, baby A's sack had popped and the hospital chose to wait four days before removing the babies via c-section. At first, it was fine. I got driven back to the hotel once my sister felt a little better, and after seeing both babies in their incubators. The nurses said at the time that everything was fine, just being monitored. I felt comfortable enough to leave.
The next day I get a call from my sister that one of the babies, baby A, who had been named Miley passed away.

That was the start of everything going downhill. I didn't care about being homeless if I wasn't alone. But now I was alone, a nice had passed away, and I couldn't afford living at the hotel alone. My sister and dumbass were staying in the area an hour away to tend to Miyah, baby B who is growing more each day.

Once my paid days at the hotel ended, I went to live on a friends couch for the next four weeks. Luckily she worked at the same place I did for the same hours, so I had a way to work.
(Note: In between this my mom came up because she didnt know we had been homeless and also stayed at my friends with me for a majority of that time because dumbass assaulted her like the asshole he is.) Anyway, I worked at a call center taking inbound calls. Well, they decided that we were going to switch from doing inbound, to making outbound calls to sell and telemarket. Now, most people found the program so much easier and better. Me? I have bad anxiety. Answering a phone wasn't a problem because I could assume what they wanted beforehand - and have access to their accounts to analyze a sale technique. Cold calling outbound? My anxiety would get so bad I'd hang up as soon as someone answered and would panic and cry. Work had finally had enough and my Team Lead pulled me aside and said I had two options that day. Quit, or get fired in a couple hours. I chose to quit. I was so drained and depressed as it was.

Fast forward to the beginning of February. My boyfriend and his family took me in, in a different state. They allowed me and my 17 year old cat to move there. I felt relieved, but my sister was clearly upset. She told me to do what would make me happy, but then texted my mom to "Talk sense into me" because I wanted a place to live and to find a new job. Because that makes me the bad guy.
Well, my mom agreed that I should go. As much as I love my sister and Miyah, I refused to live with dumbass again. I would have rather died, and if I didn't have my cat I probably would have killed myself then.

I've been in this new state a month and still can't find work. I've applied to many places fitting my work history, and even gave in and applied for min wage so I can at least work. Still nothing.

Last week I had to put my 17 year old cat, Dill, down. He had been having breathing problems for the past month. I assume from all the moving. Being an old cat moving around had to of been bad for him. Well, I took him to the vet and his bloodwork and poop came back perfect for an old cat. So I figured maybe give him a couple more weeks and see if he relaxes. Well, he began gagging and clearly struggling. So the next day I took him in for an emergency visit. From the x-ray the vet got she said his heart and lungs were badly inflamed and I'd have to take him to a bigger vet that has air machines to hook up to him to see if it helps. Well, I asked the chances and the cost.. it would have costed in the high thousands. My boyfriend was using his last 600$ for this visit as it was. The vet said she had one air machine that she could try and see if he improves.
After a while she came back and said he wasn't taking to it well, and the other vet would be the best bet. But he'd be there for nights without me. I finally asked the vet the actual chances for his age and condition. It didn't look good. I chose to have him put out of his suffering.
Honestly it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do. I cried as he came back into the room, and told him how much of a blessing he has been to my family, and how sorry I was his last year was full of moving so much. I held him and spoke words to him as the vet put the euthanasia in him. As the light faded from his eyes, he used the last of his ability to lick my hand. He was so good. He always knew that licking my face or hand was a kiss.
Dill held my deepest of secrets, wouldn't leave my lap if I ever spoke of self harm or suicide. If he was in the room while self-harming as a teen he'd try to get in the way so I have no choice to but to stop.

Now I'm literally just alone, and I can't even get a job to take my mind off of it.
I feel so suicidal, and I feel in my chest that I need to do it. I have a cat, grandparents, and a niece who'd keep me company and love me.
I love my parents, my boyfriend, and my sister, niece, brother, and nephew a lot... but the only one I ever see now is my boyfriend.
I'm pretty alone here too now without Dill. My boyfriend has a part time job hes starting soon, dance, cosmo school, friends, and whole family is within the state.
My head is in a dark place and I can't get it to come up this time. I'm scared.

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Need advice [03 Sep 2015|01:00pm]


I need some major help not for me but for my wife, about a month ago she went to check on her dad because he lived with us well when she went in there she had found him dead he had passed away in his sleep well she had took it hard which it is normal but then she was doing good and about a week ago things had started to change she don't want to do anything around the house such as clean,and it is like pulling teeth to get her to leave the house, and her mood has changed for the worse all she wants to do is try to fight with me. Or start to act like the way her dad did (he always was mean to both of us) I have been getting more hours at work to help us survive now that it is the only income we have now. I come home and have to clean the house and take care of everything it is almost like she is going into s deep depression and she tels me she don't need help. So can anyone please help on some advice on this I am getting the feeling all she wants to do is try to push me and everyone away.


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hi [11 Jan 2011|03:02pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

So I just joined this community, and I am a little self-conscious about writing.
I don't really talk to ppl in my daily life about my depression.  My family doesn't believe I have it, but when I tell them I do, they freak out, push me for counseling, or offer to get me on meds.  I guess it's all good that they wanna help, but they treat my like I am a sick with a horrible catching disease. Treating me like that only makes me feel worse.
Some days I don't know how bad I have it or not.  I dunno if I need to be medicated or if I should just ride it out.  How can you tell what you need to do?
No idea....sometimes I just want to stay depressed.

Just recently I broke up with my 2-year long Boyfriend.  I loved him to death and he didn't....I was a shelf girlfriend and he just din't really care about me.  Couldn't ever say he loved me. I found out that as soon as my younger sister turned 18, he started trying to flirt and get with her.  That lasted over 6 months and he told my sister not to tell me that he was talking to her.  I had not idea.  We broke up.

My ex before him is a good friend of my family.  Him and I finally worked up a platonic friendship and we were planning to be roomies and stuff. All of a sudden, him and my sister are going out.  Now he barely talks to me.  The both treat me like I am dumb and they exclude me. 
So now 2 of my ex's have gone for my sister...not to mention how many guy friends of mine have tried for her too.  I really am the lesser of 2 sisters.  She got all the looks,brains, red hair, flirty personality, and my guy friends and even boyfriend were just waiting for her to turn 18, and just using me as a filler in between.  

Sometimes it's just easier to stay depressed.....

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support site [09 Jan 2010|10:29am]
i have a support site that you all can join http://selfhelp.yuku.com
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Depression [05 Jan 2007|04:31pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

I thought I had found someone I could trust and then he cheated on me, lied to me and trampled what little self worth I had left. You can't trust anyone in this world anymore except yourself and that is sad. Everyone only cares about themselves. I will never trust another person again. I hope he rots in hell for what he did but he won't cuz he just keeps plugging along.

It's going to be a long road to rebuild my self esteem. ...but it does seem to help by venting and writing about it.

Sad girl :(

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Depression is just one of them... [01 Oct 2006|04:40am]

[ mood | I just want my baby back! ]

I'm a 27-year old single mother of a beautiful 5-year old little boy. I have raised him all by myself for the last 5 years and I think that I have done a wonderful job. He means eveything to me...life, breath, air, everything!!! But just recently I have had something dramatic happen to me...he was taken from my custody and placed with his father. My 5-year old was supposed to spend some time with his father one night, but instead of his father being there, my son was with his step mother. She never was a very nice person, but I put up with her for the sake of my child. On this particular evening, my son came home from spending time with his step mother and became very aggressive with me. He started telling me that he hated me and that he wanted to live with his father. Now, this isn't the first time that my son has ever lashed out like this; as a matter of fact, he had been in therapy since the beginning of this year because he became very violent in school and seriously hurt another child. Who'd have thought that a 5 year old could get suspended? Well, here to find out, my son's step mother had been telling him for quite some time that she was his real mother and I was the reason that his dad never saw him (his father was always at the bar or work...I had nothing to do with that). This obviously angered my son and being that he was in t-ball at the time, my son took his metal t-ball bat and began to hit me with it. And he hit me hard several times. I had had enough...it was almost 4am by this time and putting him in "time out" just wasn't working. I did what I thought at the time was the right thing and I pulled my son's pants down and spanked him on his butt. I didn't mean to spank him as hard as I did, but I left a bruise in the shape of my hand on his rear. To make a long story short...I was arrested and was charged with child abuse (the Grand Jury dropped it from 2nd degree charges to 4th degree - I have to complete 1 year of mandatory probation). It has been 4 months now since I have seen my son or even spoken to him and the court is still not allowing me any kind of visitation. I truly need help getting through this because I'm not a wealthy person so I can't afford to talk to someone professional. Please pray for me and my child. I had never raised a hand to my child ever until that night and I feel like I am being punished. I pray every night that God show me a sign that I will one day soon be able to wrap my arms around my son again, but maybe it's my lack of hope right now. I am very lonely and empty...I'm confused as to what I should be doing next...but I do believe that one day I will see him again. All those who are mothers out there...put yourself in my shoes for just 5 minutes, you'll see how I feel...I've never been away from my child for more than 2 days...and it just doesn't seem like my prayers are enough...Please help me get through this!

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Empty [29 Mar 2006|07:02pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Wow it was so hard to make this stupid account and finally get to the point where i get to let it out. there are so many things inside of me... so many emotions and thoughts and it fills me like a bubble. it goes back so far i dont even know where to begin. i call it the emptiness. it lives in me no matter what i do to deny it. i try to have this happy and normal life but it always sucks me back in. i'm 21 and i've been depressed my entire life. even as a child i felt this way, but nobody picked up on it. nobody ever got to know me well enough. something always happens. recently i tried to make believe i was happy... got a new boyfriend, doing well in school, had a couple of friends (not that we ever did anything together, but in class we get a long well). but now the emptiness is back and i am alone. always always alone. i just want one friend; somebody who will treat me the way i treat them. im so sick of always coming back to this place. so now my new addiction is eating and i've gained 40lbs. oh silly girl. i dont act this sad. people have no idea that im sad. i seem like an entirely normal person; but in the end there is something that repels people from me. i always wondered what it is that i do that makes me people leave. i cant write in diaries, the words never come. i get very anxious when i have to do things like "describe your hobbies" stuff like that. anything where i actually have to say something true about myself is hard for me. i dont know myself. i dont even like myself. and nobody cares at all. so here i am... fat and miserable without anybody to call now that im crying over another relationship lost. oh me, what will i do. sometimes i wish i was dead, but nobody would ever know that. not that i could ever do it. i tried when i was younger, but i never had the balls to do it. the thing is there are lots of people who say they love me, blah blah. but they dont know me enough to say that and really mean it. there was one person who really knew me and really loved me anyways.... but of course i ruined that, i mean what else could i do? i could never keep a guys as wonderful as that anyways. i never deserved him. i forget how sad i am sometimes. i mean i can go for ahwile and be fine; but in the end the darkness always prevails. i guess i just need to type and type untill its all out. i dont even know if anybody will read this, but i hope they do. oh well, probably anybody who does read this got tired of my bitching and moved on. i cant say i blame you; im sure this is pretty boring. i just didnt have anything else to do with these thoughts...well im feeling slightly better and my eyes are crossing so i'm gonna go. hope somebody reads this....

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[20 Mar 2006|01:28am]

I feel empty, hollow
Tmorrow is the spring equinox, a time of equal night and day.If there was ever a perfect time to fall that`s it.I have a noose ready in a wood nearby.I`m running out of reasons not to die.
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I'm gay and suicidal [20 Feb 2006|05:44am]

(cross posted)

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to accept myself. I just want to be straight and loved by my family. I deny to them I am gay but they question me all the time and want me to change. I'm raised christian and I always saw homosexuality as a sin.

I'm depressed to the point that I cannot function anymore. I just feel so guilty over my attraction to men that I've been lying in bed all day and plagued with nightmares. I can never interact properly with guys and they all shun me for some reason. I hate my voice, my looks and I feel fat all the time. Most of all I seem to hear voices in my head - I reckon to be God or someone telling me that I'm wrong and sinful for this.

I honestly can't live like this I just wish I was straight or dead. I'm supposed to fly back home this week to begin therapy in my home in asia but I'm afraid I cannot change - my family have cut off funding for this semester of school so I can get treatment for my sexuality. I'm just so scared I cannot even begin to pack or do a thing. I'm basically wasting away and I don't know what else can take away my pain. I know of gay support groups but I don't know what is right or wrong sometimes. Has anyone felt like this? I just feel so guilt ridden over my attraction that this cannot be right for me.

I have been contemplating ending my life on the day of my flight - I just don't have any confidence to change and I'm afraid of disappointing them.

Is it true that some people are attracted to the same sex as a phase? I always see that being said in teen forums for a long time - I've felt this since 11 and its about ten years since and it hasn't changed abit. I just want to be normal and mainstream. I'm simply so messed up and depressed I just got discharged after a month spent in a pysch ward for anorexia. My eating disorders simply doesn't justify my homosexual tendenices. I even have thoughts of having a sex change because I feel I'd be so much better looking and gender/sexuality normative as a female. I sometimes think I've trancended the edge leading to insanity.

Sorry for the rant. I also want to add I have told my pastor and family about my plans for suicide and that I'm severely depressed but they say they cannot do anything to stop me - they will simply pray and thats all. They also say no one will grieve for me and say that they have offered me help in therapy and its my fault that I don't want to take it up and instead choose the easy way out. I just wish they understand that I try so hard to change but its not working. My pastor said "If you do it, people will simply say... we did all we could to help... but J---- was too stubborn and chose to cop out." In fact I have told many people about it but no one seems to care at all - they see me as a manipulative, cunning bitch attempting to use suicide as leverage to justify a sinful lifestyle choice.

It does shock me but perhaps just numbs me to the closure in my life. I simply do not fit into this world.
They say if I don't go through this I will definitely end up dead in my apartment from suicide because I'm gay - and this seems to be almost true now. I have relapsed again into my eating disorder and I honestly hope I disappear soon.
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[05 Feb 2006|10:33pm]


To all I write this, in hope that someone out there has been in this situation or can even offer some advise that can help in the long run or mostly to help with the pain.

My name is Brenda, im 18 and just finished high school in Australia, here is my story.

Collapse )

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[01 Nov 2005|12:35am]

[ mood | tired ]

Hi! My name is Glenda. I'm 30 years old. The reason I chose to join this community is because I lost my mother 3 years ago to lung and kidney cancer. And I lost my father April of this year to a heartattack. Losing both parents within 3 years has been more than I can bear at times.

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[13 Jul 2005|10:59pm]

I just joined , why ?

cause at the moment My life sucks , My Mom died 3 months back , My man left , so did my fake friends , I lost my job, I moved 3000 miles from florida to cali ( i am happy about that ) Im back with My ex thats good, right now I am working a half ass job going in debt besides that life is good lol ;P I know life will get better just had to say life sucks ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!
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Has anyone ever...? [31 May 2005|01:23pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

Put their seatbelt on and sat in the middle of the back seat of their friend's car as they drove around, desperatly trying to not take off the seatbelt and throw themselves out of the door while the car spills around?

Maybe it's just me.... I always have to battle that. Bad me.

~ Jamie ~

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Newbie Here [30 May 2005|10:44pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Hi I'm new to the group my name is J.C. I have anxiety depression and schizophrenia rolled into one big gigantic ball. I get suicidal often because I hear voices and they won't shut up. I take Geodon for it ant it works sometimes but the voices are always there when the Geodon works it just minimizes how loud they are. Well I wrote a few poems about my condition they are on my page check them out please.Also if anyone has any advice on how to kill the voices other than suicide I would love to hear it because I feel like there is no other choice.

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I am kind of really really freaked out. [25 May 2005|07:37pm]

[ mood | scared ]

So.... interesting day, I turned around to watch the news and as usual they had caught some doctor raping patients. Child patients.

Then I watched a little more when a memory (one of those that has always stuck with you, but you never make sense of them because you just say "Oh, old history type crap") came back to me.

I was nine, I went to the doctor's to get a physical, you know, the normal thing. But it was weird; the doctor insisted that my mom not be in my room when he did it, and all I remember was him putting his hands on my back, then front, then down my pants.....

Now I'm really scared because the afore mentioned caught person was actually a doctor from my hometown area, though I don't remember his name.

So if anyone knows how to stop a panic attack, please let me know because I'm having muchly trouble breathing at the moment.....

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[24 May 2005|02:20pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Okay well I'm in a group thing, and as ya'll know my couselor had gotten laid off b/c of financial issues. Well I went to the doctor last Wednesday, and the psychiatrist said I was doing well, and is taking me off of concerta for adhd/add slowly. Well then I get out of the doctor's office, and the one that is like the head of it tells me, my mom, and my dad that they need to move me from low to high so that I can go through and stay in the program, and I was so upset, and wanted to scream. I am still upset, b/c if it was my other couselor still, I wouldn't be so upset, but I don't care for my new couselor, and I hate going to the groups b/c the kids are annoying and get in my face and stuff. I'm like one of the oldest ones there, and it really sucks that I don't like the people there, b/c I normally like most people. Well okay to tell you all what low is, it is that you don't need as much time with your couselor and as many groups, and high you need more time with you couselor and go to more groups, so I'm so aggrivated by that. It is because of the depression I had went into recently, and I am kind of still in, but am getting out of it in a way. Well anyways that is that, and then my birthday is in 12 days, and I'm going to be 16, and I think I can have four different plans on four different days, but I'm not too sure. Well yeah I am really upset about that, but I'm also seeing a lady that works at the bank, she counsels me, and I like her, but I only see her once a week, and maybe an hour, but she is really nice and sweet, but I still miss my old couselor, and don't like that new one b/c she looked at me like I was crazy one day. Well I'm going to stop ranting on, and I think that you guys should comment on each others posts more often, b/c it really does help. Well talk to you guys later.

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New Member [17 May 2005|11:48am]

[ mood | sick ]

Well I am a new member here, and I am bipolar and adhd/add. So I wanted to join to give and get support. I hope that I can help you all if you need. Thanks for your time. If you need me for something, let me know.

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New here [12 May 2005|03:19am]

So, about me

Turning 26 soon
Grieving loss of my brother

That about sums me up.
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Hello [21 Oct 2004|11:59am]

Hi. my name is Tammy, im 17 and I have depression. Ive been dealing with it all of my life. most of the time I cut or do something to try to stop it but it doesnt. Im trying to talk with people who have some of the same problems and I just want people to care.
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