zoukie (zoukie) wrote in grief,

I'm gay and suicidal

(cross posted)

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to accept myself. I just want to be straight and loved by my family. I deny to them I am gay but they question me all the time and want me to change. I'm raised christian and I always saw homosexuality as a sin.

I'm depressed to the point that I cannot function anymore. I just feel so guilty over my attraction to men that I've been lying in bed all day and plagued with nightmares. I can never interact properly with guys and they all shun me for some reason. I hate my voice, my looks and I feel fat all the time. Most of all I seem to hear voices in my head - I reckon to be God or someone telling me that I'm wrong and sinful for this.

I honestly can't live like this I just wish I was straight or dead. I'm supposed to fly back home this week to begin therapy in my home in asia but I'm afraid I cannot change - my family have cut off funding for this semester of school so I can get treatment for my sexuality. I'm just so scared I cannot even begin to pack or do a thing. I'm basically wasting away and I don't know what else can take away my pain. I know of gay support groups but I don't know what is right or wrong sometimes. Has anyone felt like this? I just feel so guilt ridden over my attraction that this cannot be right for me.

I have been contemplating ending my life on the day of my flight - I just don't have any confidence to change and I'm afraid of disappointing them.

Is it true that some people are attracted to the same sex as a phase? I always see that being said in teen forums for a long time - I've felt this since 11 and its about ten years since and it hasn't changed abit. I just want to be normal and mainstream. I'm simply so messed up and depressed I just got discharged after a month spent in a pysch ward for anorexia. My eating disorders simply doesn't justify my homosexual tendenices. I even have thoughts of having a sex change because I feel I'd be so much better looking and gender/sexuality normative as a female. I sometimes think I've trancended the edge leading to insanity.

Sorry for the rant. I also want to add I have told my pastor and family about my plans for suicide and that I'm severely depressed but they say they cannot do anything to stop me - they will simply pray and thats all. They also say no one will grieve for me and say that they have offered me help in therapy and its my fault that I don't want to take it up and instead choose the easy way out. I just wish they understand that I try so hard to change but its not working. My pastor said "If you do it, people will simply say... we did all we could to help... but J---- was too stubborn and chose to cop out." In fact I have told many people about it but no one seems to care at all - they see me as a manipulative, cunning bitch attempting to use suicide as leverage to justify a sinful lifestyle choice.

It does shock me but perhaps just numbs me to the closure in my life. I simply do not fit into this world.
They say if I don't go through this I will definitely end up dead in my apartment from suicide because I'm gay - and this seems to be almost true now. I have relapsed again into my eating disorder and I honestly hope I disappear soon.
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