mizzylizzy (mizzylizzy) wrote in grief,

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Wow it was so hard to make this stupid account and finally get to the point where i get to let it out. there are so many things inside of me... so many emotions and thoughts and it fills me like a bubble. it goes back so far i dont even know where to begin. i call it the emptiness. it lives in me no matter what i do to deny it. i try to have this happy and normal life but it always sucks me back in. i'm 21 and i've been depressed my entire life. even as a child i felt this way, but nobody picked up on it. nobody ever got to know me well enough. something always happens. recently i tried to make believe i was happy... got a new boyfriend, doing well in school, had a couple of friends (not that we ever did anything together, but in class we get a long well). but now the emptiness is back and i am alone. always always alone. i just want one friend; somebody who will treat me the way i treat them. im so sick of always coming back to this place. so now my new addiction is eating and i've gained 40lbs. oh silly girl. i dont act this sad. people have no idea that im sad. i seem like an entirely normal person; but in the end there is something that repels people from me. i always wondered what it is that i do that makes me people leave. i cant write in diaries, the words never come. i get very anxious when i have to do things like "describe your hobbies" stuff like that. anything where i actually have to say something true about myself is hard for me. i dont know myself. i dont even like myself. and nobody cares at all. so here i am... fat and miserable without anybody to call now that im crying over another relationship lost. oh me, what will i do. sometimes i wish i was dead, but nobody would ever know that. not that i could ever do it. i tried when i was younger, but i never had the balls to do it. the thing is there are lots of people who say they love me, blah blah. but they dont know me enough to say that and really mean it. there was one person who really knew me and really loved me anyways.... but of course i ruined that, i mean what else could i do? i could never keep a guys as wonderful as that anyways. i never deserved him. i forget how sad i am sometimes. i mean i can go for ahwile and be fine; but in the end the darkness always prevails. i guess i just need to type and type untill its all out. i dont even know if anybody will read this, but i hope they do. oh well, probably anybody who does read this got tired of my bitching and moved on. i cant say i blame you; im sure this is pretty boring. i just didnt have anything else to do with these thoughts...well im feeling slightly better and my eyes are crossing so i'm gonna go. hope somebody reads this....
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